She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
