so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
