I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
