I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
