Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Four minutes until I can fart!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
