i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
