I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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