I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
