dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
