I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
