I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
