Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
