I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
