I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
