Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
