Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
