Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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