I have demons in me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
