i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
