Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
