I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
