We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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