I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
