I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
