Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
