I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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