she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
