i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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