Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
