i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
