ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
