He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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