i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
