would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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