If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Found your dick twin last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
