; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
