I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
