How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
