someone threw a dead crab at me
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
