I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
