True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
