dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
