Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
