hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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