I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
