Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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