When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
