Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
