Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
