Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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